Is your child being bullied?

Would you know if he or she was?  Bullying is a real problem: The National KidsHealth KidsPoll reports that 33% of kids say they are bullied at least once and a while 8% of kids say they are bullied every day.  

Kids who are bullied are likely to suffer from low self-esteem, depression and anxiety.  They often have difficulties with their social development and school performance.  In fact, kids who are bullied are likely to drop out of school or even attempt suicide to get away from the bullying.  They constantly fear when the next “episode” will occur and this fear can lead to health problems.  Kids who are bullied are also quite likely to become bullies themselves.  

 

Despite all of this, many parents don’t even know what’s going on because kids are reluctant to talk about it.  As a martial arts instructor, I see parents coming in asking for advice on what to do to help their kids who are being bullied.  I’d like to share some of my ideas with you, but before I do, I want you to read this letter from a parent of one of my students:

 

Ben and the Bully

 

Monday morning:

            “I don’t want to go to school today, Mommy!”

            “Why not?” I asked.  “Isn’t it fun playing with the other kids and doing stuff?  You usually love pre-school.”

            “I just don’t want to go!” Ben said.

            “Maybe it will be more fun than you expect.  How about just giving it a try?”  I said.

            “Okay.  But just today.”

 

Monday afternoon:

            “How was school, Ben?” I asked when he got in the car.

            “Terrible!”

            “What happened?” I asked.

            “Everything happened!  Just like it usually does.  I hate school and I don’t want to go anymore!”

 

This went on for several weeks.  Whenever I asked what was wrong, Ben would say, “Everything!” but would not give any details.

 

Finally, one weekend while we were out playing with friends, he opened up a little bit:

“Does something bad happen at school that you don’t like?”  I asked.

“Yes,” Ben admitted.

“Does another person do something that you don’t like?”  I said.

“Yes,” Ben said.

            “Is it a boy or a girl?” I asked.

            “Boy.”

            “Does he hit you?” I said.

            “Yes, and when I ask him to stop he won’t stop!  He keeps hitting me.  He comes after me and hits me more.”

            “Have you told the teacher?”

            “Yes, but then he hits me again after she leaves.”

            Mary, Ben’s friend, came over and said, “Ben just lets him do it.  He doesn’t make him stop.  Everyone at school likes Ben.  But Sam always hits him.  Ben just walks away when he does it.”

 

            The next day, Monday, on the way to Kung Fu (Ben had been going to Kung Fu for about four months), I asked Ben if he wanted to talk to Mr. Keu about Sam.  He said, “Why would I want to talk to Mr. Keu?”

            “Maybe he would have suggestions of how to deal with Sam,” I said.

            “Well … okay,” Ben agreed, grudgingly.

 

            After class, Ben talked to Mr. Keu.  Mr. Keu, after hearing Ben’s story, said, “Ben, here’s what I want you to do.  When Sam hits you, you tell him, ‘Stop doing that.  Stop hitting me.’  Tell him to stop.”

            “What if he keeps on doing it?” Ben asked.

            “Then tell him to stop again,” said Mr. Keu.  “Keep telling him to stop.  If you keep telling him, I guarantee you, he will stop.”

            “Okay,” Ben said enthusiastically.

 

            The next day, Wednesday, when I picked Ben up at school, his disposition was completely different.  He was relaxed but confident.  “How was school?” I asked.

            “Fine, Mommy,” Ben said.

            “Did you see Sam today?” I asked.

            “Oh yea.  I saw Sam today alright,” Ben said.

            “And ….,” I said.

            “Mommy … I had to take him down,” Ben said confidently.

            “How far down, Ben?” I asked.

            “All the way down, Mommy,” Ben said.

            “What happened?” I said.

            “Well, in the morning when Sam started hitting me I told him to stop, just like Mr. Keu said.  But he didn’t stop.  So I told him again.  He still didn’t stop.  So I told him again.  He still didn’t stop.  So I told him again.  He still didn’t stop.  I told him five times to stop, Mommy, and each time I told him, he kept on hitting me.”

            “What happened next?” I asked.

“I jumped on him and pushed him down to the ground.  Then I sat on him so he couldn’t hit me,” Ben said.

“What happened next?” I said.

            “Well, Sam started crying.  He was crying really loud,” Ben said.

            “Were you crying?” I said.

            “Yes, I was crying a little bit.  But not as loud as Sam,” Ben explained.

            “So what happened next?” I asked.

            “The teacher came over, and she put Sam in time out,” Ben said.

            “Did she put you in time out?” I said.

            “No.  Just Sam,” Ben said.  “I went and played with other kids.”

            “What happened next?” I asked.

            “That was it,” Ben said.

            “So he stopped hitting you after that?” I asked.

            “Yes.  Until the afternoon,” Ben said.           

“What happened in the afternoon?” I said.

            “Sam started hitting me,” Ben said.

            “Again?” I asked.

            “Yes, Mommy.  So I told him to stop.  He didn’t stop.  I told him to stop, again.  He didn’t stop.  I told him to stop, again.  He didn’t stop.  I told him to stop, again.  He didn’t stop.  Twelve times I told him to stop.  He didn’t stop.”

            “So what happened next?” I asked.

            “I ran and put my belly on his back while he was reaching for the doorknob of the playhouse.  He moved and then we both fell on the ground.  We were rassling.  He rolled on top of me, and I rolled on top of him.  I got on top of him so that I was on my knees walking on his back so he couldn’t move.”

            “What happened next?” I asked.

            “He started crying,” Ben explained.

            “Were you crying?” I asked.

            “A little.  Sam was crying much louder,” Ben said.

            “So what happened next?” I asked.

            “The teacher came over and put Sam in time out,” Ben said.

            “Was it the same teacher as in the morning?” I asked.

            “Yes.  It was Miss Suzie,” Ben said.

            “Did she put you in time out?” I said.

            “No, just Sam,” Ben said.      

“So what happened next?” I said.

            “That was it,” Ben said.

            “Did Sam hit you any more after that?” I asked.

            “No, Mommy,” Ben said.

            On the way to Kung Fu that afternoon I told Ben that he should tell Mr. Keu what happened at school today.  Ben was reluctant.  I told Ben that Mr. Keu would be interested and would want to know.  Ben agreed, though with much hesitation.  My sense was that Ben was concerned that Mr. Keu would be upset at him for fighting.

            After class, Ben talked to Mr. Keu and slowly told him his story.  Mr. Keu said, “You did fine, Ben.  But next time I want you to tell him twenty times to stop.  Okay?”

            “Okay!” Ben said enthusiastically.

            On Friday, I picked up Ben at school.  “How was school today,” I asked.

            “Fine, Mommy,” Ben said.

            “Did Sam hit you today?” I asked.

            “He tried,” Ben said.  “So I told him to stop.”

            “Did he stop?” I asked.

            “No.  So I told him again,” Ben said.

            “Did he stop then?” I asked.

            “Yes.  He stopped, Mommy.”

 

 

The first thing you can do to “bully-proof” your child is to become informed.

 

Be a Detective:  Here are some signs that your child might be a victim on bullying:

 

·                     Your child suddenly becomes less eager to go to school and shows this by asking to stay home or by faking illness.  Your child may also cry before or after school for no apparent reason.

·                     You notice that your child is missing possessions or money and doesn’t have a good explanation as to why they are gone.

·                     Your child begins having sleeping problems including bedwetting.

·                     Your child is more irritable than normal and/or begins showing little interest is social activities.

·                     Your child’s grades and/or classroom behavior begin slipping.

·                     You see the physical signs of bullying such as bruises, cuts, scraps and torn clothing.

 

Know the Types.  Bullying is not just a physical act.  There are many different types of bullying:

 

·                     Physical bullying includes hitting, shoving, kicking and threats of other types of physical harm.

·                     Verbal bullying usually involves name-calling and mocking.

·                     Emotional bullying is quite common among girls.  It’s subtle and often includes social exclusion and rumor spreading.

·                     Cyber bullying is rather new, but it is still harmful.  This is when kids harass others through email, instant messages and chat rooms.

 

Identify Likely Targets.  Some kids are just more prone to being targets of bullies than others.  Common characteristics of bullied kids include

 

·                     those that are physically small and less likely able to defend themselves

·                     those that are physically different such as overweight, prone to acne or required to wear glasses or braces

·                     those who are shy, passive and easily intimidated

·                     those who don’t quite follow the “social rules” that kids set up such as kids who have habits that can be annoying to others or kids who become known as the class “tattle-tale”. 

 

The second thing you can do to help your children is give them the skills they need to help themselves:

 

·                     Control their feelings of anger and frustration.  Bullies thrive on the power they hold over other people and when they see their targets get upset or angry, it fuels their need to continue bullying.

·                     Stress that they should not fight back.  You child could be seriously injured especially if the bully is older, stronger or bigger than your child.  Besides, fighting back can cause more problems such as school disciplinary actions or even legal issues.

·                     Teach your child how to “walk tall and walk away”.  Role play with your child by having him or her tell the bully to stop and then to confidently walk away – and to stay calm during the whole thing.

·                     Encourage your child to talk to others about it such as a guidance counselor, teacher or coach – someone your child trusts that can also give them some solid support.

·                     Remind your child to use the buddy system.  If there are certain times of the day that your child is bullied, have him or her enlist a few friends to stick by his or her side during that time.

 

Unless you have been bullied it is truly hard to understand what happens.  One way that you can teach your kids all of these skills is through martial arts.  I should know.  I was a 98 pound weakling until martial arts change my life.  I was always the small kid during school up to my last year of high school.  When I was bullied I was always told I brought it on myself.  I admit, I was a little out of control, but asking people way bigger than me to beat on me?  I don’t think so. 

 

When I started martial arts I thought I finally would be able to give it back to these guys!  What I learned was much different, however.  I learned in a respectful way that fighting back was not the way to work out your difficulties and there always is someone bigger or better than you. 

 

I also learned how to control fear.  After all, two or three times a week I was pairing up with people that where good martial artists and applying self defense techniques that worked for me even on bigger people.  I learned how to deal with violence with out all the emotion that often blinds us from making the correct decisions.  I still remember the power I felt when I walked away from a fight, not because I was afraid of the person but because it was the right thing to do and I was afraid of hurting him.  It was way different than what it was like when I walked and sometimes ran away from them because I was afraid they would hurt me.

 

Ben is further proof that the right influences and right “training” can help your kids learn how to handle a bully.  Ben’s story has a happy ending, but what if things were different.  What if Ben’s mother did not take his feelings seriously or told him to handle it himself?  He might still be being hit everyday or he might still be fighting with the bully everyday.  What if Mr. Keu had commented on the fact that Ben turned to fighting to solve his problem.  He could have told him he did a good job which would have encouraged it even more.  Worse yet, he could have reprimanded Ben for fighting which could have made Ben feel bad and confused about his choice and methods and, in turn, unlikely to continue to try to stop the bullying the next day.  Instead, both the mother and Mr. Keu remained calm and continued to encourage Ben to do the right thing.  They gave him the support and skills he needed to handle the bully and get him to stop – the same advice given to parents by child development experts as well as the same skills taught to kids in martial arts. 

 

Training martial arts is by no means the only form of combating bullying.  It’s just that martial arts build back self esteem and make the person feel like they can control the situation giving them personal power.  Martial arts teaches children to control their emotions and their bodies.  It also gives them an outlet for their pent up emotions.  And should they have to use it, they do have effective self defense skills ready to go. 

 

However not all martial arts schools or martial arts teachers know how to teach these traits.  Picking a school is not as easy as just going to the nearest school and enrolling your child.  It could be the most important decision you make for your child and it needs to be researched.  I don’t have the space to go into it here but you can go to our web site and download a free guide on picking a martial arts school.  Whatever you do please visit more than one school and ask the instructors how they would handle a bully. 

 

If your child seems to acting different don’t just pass it off as moodiness or a common characteristic of his or her age.  There could be deeper issues and believe me they could be life changing.